For someone who has not been eating carbs, I cant explain why I am constipated, the opposite of diarrhea. The thing that killed Elvis. The torture that the elderly suffer most days. Prunes are the only savior. It certainly didn't come as a surprise when I went to my little 'thinking room' and realized I was in a lose - lose situation, the act of not being able to squeeze a turd out it is probably just as bad as having a baby. I sat there for a
bout fifteen minutes as the Band Perry song (if i die young) played and it dawned on me that my body was working against me,the room became dark, I had to stifle a scream as I needed all my energy to focus on not passing out. As I made that attempt, I really thought about my loved ones. Why have I not written a will, why did I leave my phone so far away, I was frozen in panic half way. Who would water my plants or? And also I haven't mounted my Khal Drogo, who says he doesn't want to be in friend zone and all he keeps doing is being in friend zone. I digress. Anyway, I kept thinking "oh God, please don't let me die here, not like this". I survived. Sort of. I'm never quite out of the woods...
Constipation: when you've gotta go, but you're ass says no.
In German it is called: Farfrompoopin.
Here’s the thing about me and constipation. I have known this condition for as long as I can
remember. My mom would beat the crap out of me (literally) when I wouldn’t
poop. I guess she thought I just chose not to poop, she must have thought it wasn’t a
condition but an act of rebellion! I don't know if I could ever talk about this with her, I have scars and they are too deep. And maybe it was more than a physical
condition. I don’t know, this is Africa and we don’t run to the shrink when
your child doesn’t poop. You beat that crap out of them.
This one time I woke up and while scouring the internet, still in bed, I
thought to myself, '' you haven’t pooped in a few days''. So I made a plan to buy some laxatives and
beat my system to it. I rolled out of bed to make a cup of coffee, I love coffee
and it apparently helps (absolute lies), when the overwhelming feeling of bowl
movement took over! Why me? When I get my bowel movements it’s not the
same as when other people just go the thinking room and do their thing. It
starts with my entire system slowing and bogging me down. I can’t think, at
that exact moment I can’t even remember a time when I felt ok and didn’t need to
empty my bowels. I mean I completely forget how life was a day ago, before the
bowel movement. And now, I have to strategize and think fast. But I can’t
think. I should have bought dulcolax the
night before so this process could be easy, and now I haven’t got the energy to
run to the pharmacy and buy suppositories that would magically clear this
situation. So I pace around wondering what to do, I know it’s going to be
painful so I need to pep talk myself through the pain. Maybe if I roll a jay that will ease the sense of
impending doom. But first I need to walk it off. I have no
energy for that. I’m now sweating and panicking. I swear it feels like my whole
world is falling apart, something close to how I imagine an apocalyptic event
would feel like.
I always wonder what guys carry newspapers, phones or a game into the thinking room for. Are they constipated too? Because if they aren’t this should be a five minutes or less activity. At what time do you read the paper? Are they pep talking themselves too? Is Assassin’s Creed on the phone a distraction? I can’t imagine Ezio Auditore da Firenze saving me although I wish he would. Most times in the middle of a difficult poop, I feel like I'm working in the dark but not to serve the light, because I don't even think I'll make it back to the other side. It feels like an assassination.
Some days I have an easy time in the thinking room and it takes less than two minutes. How do other people hold the paper and poop at the same time? I usually need both hands to poop. No I don’t scoop it out of my ass, there’s an aryuvedic technique I learnt to make my process easier, thus both hands. On bad days when even aryuveda doesn’t help, I still can’t hold anything in my hands; I’m in so much agony and I need to focus on not dying.
I can’t poop in other people houses because of how long it takes. I hear people say they don’t do it because they don’t want to stink their friend’s house, personal rules of decorum prohibit them. I don’t have that problem, I would gleefully stink your entire life if I could. But sometimes I just cant.
After I do manage to poop, it’s like the birthing, the pain
is there but it’s such a relief it doesn’t matter. So I have some three or four
days till my next event. I hate you people with normal bowel movements.
-----------------------------------I tried to have a quiet weekend this past one, and as it goes, the best laid plans of men and mice.... I went out till some ungodly hour. Woke up with one nasty hang down. I also finally watched Nairobi Half Life. That movie was an eye opener. It opened my eyes on Monday when I was going home and the matatu I was in took a detour and we drove through a part of town I wouldn't be caught in on any other day. I saw 'Oti'. You know, that fellow who introduced 'Mwas' to a life of crime. This was the real life 'Oti', I was in the middle of a tweet when from the corner of my eye I noticed an unfriendly human to my right. I was seated in the middle at the back, I felt a chill as he ran to the left side but the guy there closed the window. I looked outside and wondered how other people manage to walk around that part of town in peace and without looking all schizophrenic. I would make such an easy target. Thanks Nairobi Half Life, now I'm in perpetual fear.
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Can hardly wait for February so I can go for a road trip. I have been dying to go for one of those trips and looks like this year i'm doing all the things I have set out to do. Already made my payments and I just need to pack and have a good time when I get there. Did I say I do not know anyone else on that trip, this should be interesting. That is kind of the point of RoadTripKe anyway. I just hope they keep their promise and not turn the trip into a Valentines affair, because I will die. Alone. I absolutely hate Valentines Day, what an asinine holiday. Who the hell came up with that? Red roses, dumb ass cards, wearing red. In fact I need to hide my red items, in-case I forget what day it is, I don't inadvertently end up looking like all the other retards, that would be really awkward. Also I just don't have a valentine. But that is not the point. Here's my valentines thought all the same - Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this poem makes no sense, microwave. Yaaay.
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~We are not broken, just bent ~
